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| Being in adult is nice sometimes. It comes with a lot of freedom, independence, new fun, and new experiences. But it also comes with a lot of thoughts and worries, and anxiety. I hate that part. I hate being concerned for so many people. I hate wondering what people are thinking. I hate wondering whether I am trusted and liked. I hate wondering whether I am getting through to a person the way I would like to. I'm not a person suffering from low self-esteem, I promise I am not. And no, I'm not in denial :P I'm perfectly happy being the way I am, and I like who I am. Yes, I want to improve. Yes, I am not content completely- one should never be completely content. It results in a lack of motivation to improve one's self.
I worry about my siblings- whether I'm doing a good enough job of guiding them. I feel guilty if I am leaving my sister alone at a time when it's so crucial for me to be there. I feel guilty for leaving a place where I know I may be needed. But I have to make decisions for myself, and there are times, I need a change, a new beginning. It only makes sense.
I worry whether I am being a good daughter- am I helping my parents the way I should? or am I falling short? Do I demand too much of them? I don't know. I hope not. I think I'm doing okay...
I worry if I will be able to be a good wife. A wife who is respectful and loving, yet strong in her beliefs.
I really worry about having to answer on the Day of Judgment to Allah about what I did with my life and my deen. Did I bring people closer to Allah? Did I help unite the Muslims? Or did I help divide? It really scares me. Such a big responsibility. Do I practice what I preach? I hope I am able to do so.
So much going through my head all at once. Have to empty it out somehow.
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| Since workingforone is my more formal blog, I'm going to use this as my journal/venting place. I don't know if anyone reads it, but if you do, more power to ya ;)
It's exam week once again, and I just realized how much I dislike this time of the year. First of all, I am not good "study-er." I start studying something, and I realize either a)I already know it or b) I don't know it at ALL and start freaking out. Currently, I am experience a third kind of feeling for my exam tomorrow. I call this my, "Bleh, I just don't care" feeling :P So it's 8:25 and I haven't started yet. Let's see when I do and how long it takes. Exam time also means I'm getting way behind on my AlMaghrib work. I think we have exactly 29 days, yikes. So far 41 people are registered for the class, and last night I made a list of 100 other people, and I'm determined to get at least 60 of those people signed up by the end of December. *Bracing myself*. So my mom told this one teacher at the Islamic school about the class, and the lady apparently went off about she doesn't even wanna hear about AlMaghrib anymore because a)no one contacts her about it b)she doesn't get told when the exam is c)one time class was delayed, and she showed up on regular time and no one was there c)she doesn't get any emails. Erm, really? As far as I know everyone who takes the class gets emails. BUT, I have come up with a plan. Tonight I'm gonna send her like 5 AlMaghrib emails *muhahahaha*, and then if she complains, she's had it :P
I'm also determined to go to bed by 12 tonight. Last night, I didn't sleep till 3:30 am and all day I felt like poop! Literally, I skipped dinner after maghrib tonight because I was too sleepy. I don't know how long I napped, but I think it was at least a good hour and half. Gahhhhhhhhh :P
K, I think it's time to email complaining lady and then start with the studying. More later :)
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| So recently, I have started blogging on www.workingforone.com with my husband. It's kind of a nice change, and so far, I quite like it. I thought about closing down this blog, but the other night I thought of something. I don't think I could do without my really random blurbs  Therefore...I'll still be writing here every once in a while!
So, let's start with the randomness 
*Today I went to tutor a 1st grader at her house. No offense intended, but by being in that house, I learned what I will NOT do when I have kids of my own inshaAllah. Or a house. :-|
* I have been having weird dreams. Well, I always have weird dreams. I'm not sure if they're the result of an overactive imagination...maybe I'm just weird. Last night, I dreamt that a crocodile-man was chasing me in the zoo. What exactly a crocodile-man is, I'm not exactly sure...but it was running on two legs. It reminded me of this.
*I think after my wedding reception inshaAllah, I'm gonna calm down with the MSA/AlMaghrib/being involved everywhere dealio. It takes up wayyyy too much time. InshaAllah it's all for the sake of Allah, BUT...I just realized I would never have time to cook if I kept going this way.
* Last night I went to an interfaith. It was kind of dumb. I'm not sure I'm a big fan of these gatherings!
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| This is an odd time for me to make this particular entry, but I cannot stop thinking about it. For the past two years or so, I feel like I have given my parents a lot of worries, anxiety, headaches and sleepless nights because I wanted certain things to be my way. It's not been an easy two years. At all. We fought, we argued, we made up, we argued again. Sitting here now, I realize that no matter how hard things have been, they'll be okay in the future. InshaAllah. No matter what happens from this point onwards, it'll be alright. I wish they had been more understanding, at times. I wish that I had been more understanding, at times. Sitting here now, I realize that no one loves me as unconditionally as my parents. And no matter how much of a hard time I have given them, they will never stop showering me with their unconditional love. I can't stop the tears from flowing out of my eyes as I realize that perhaps I could have been a better daughter to them. It's true that they have not always made things easy for me, but they have tried so hard and done their best, and sitting here right now, I have never felt more grateful to Allah than now for giving me such wonderful parents. Parents who have put aside their wants in order to provide my happiness. I love them with all my being, and I hope I can be the best daughter I can be to them from this point on, inshaAllah.And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: "My
Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood." (Qur'an: 17:24) | | |
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But kind of scary too :-| In a good way, of course 
